Canadians Heartbroken After American Crokinole Squad Defeats Team Canada in Shootout

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA

Extra time was needed to decide the Gold Medal in Women’s Crokinole at the 2018 Winter Olympics on Wednesday. After two hours where neither team was able to reach that 100 point threshold, the game was decided by seeing who could flick the most twenties.

“No one would’ve thought those knipsers from Kansas would perform so well against the Canadians, but they did,” said shocked Team Canada fan Diane Driedger of Leamington. “They knipsed and knipsed like I’ve never seen an American knips before!”

Canada was the odds-on favourite coming into the Games, but struggled to get their knipsers into the hole in the late stages of the match.

“A silver medal is just not satisfactory,” said Driedger. “When it comes to knipsbrat, it’s gold or bust for Team Canada!”

The loss soon turned to outrage as Canadians took to social media to express their disgust.

“It’s time we stop deciding gold medal matches with a knips-out,” said Twitter user @knipsfan83. “It’s really not fair to let the match be decided just on how many twenties you can get. I mean, where’s the defence? Where’s the strategy? Important games should not be decided like this!”

American knipsbrat fans said the Canadians were just being sore losers and vowed to beat them in the men’s finals on Saturday.

“That just shows how much the Americans pay attention to knipsbrat,” said Driedger. “Our men’s teams didn’t even make the semi-finals. The National Crokinole League didn’t let us send our best knipsers.”

After learning during these Olympics that we’re not nearly as good at curling and hockey as we thought we were, Canadians had been clinging to knipsbrat as our one last hope to gain some self-respect as a nation.

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