Hardworking Family of Russian Mennonites Offers to Replace UK in the European Union

LONDON, UK

Today is a historic day as British voters will decide whether or not the United Kingdom will remain part of the European Union. Polls suggest the vote will be tight and, in the event of a UK departure, a group of Russian Mennonites have generously offered to take Britain’s place.

“We’re not that big on voting and government and politics and all that,” explained Johan Barkman, one of the last remaining Mennonites still living in the old Borezenko Colony in Southern Russia (now Ukraine). “We’ve got no particular allegiance to any country–our kingdom is in heaven. So, if those Enjelsch don’t want to be part of the Union, then we’ll gladly join.”

Britain’s potential exit is speculated to have a disastrous effect on the economic situation in Europe, but the Barkmans have a solution for that, too.

“There are only a couple dozen of us remaining, but we’re industrious people. Very hard working. We Mennonites turned the Vistula Delta from a swamp land into the paradise it is today,” said Barkman. “I’m sure that with a bit of sweat and a few oxen we can more than return to the European economy whatever is lost by the exit of a country of 65 million people.”

Barkman noted that he and his family are quite willing to rescue the European Union so long as the governing body in Brussels agrees to give them certain privileges.

“On the list is freedom of religion, private independent schooling, and a full exemption from military service,” said Barkman, “but we’ve also asked for sixteen cases of Fanta, an Audi for every family member of driving age, an official apology from the Dutch Reformed Church, and lifetime passes to Euro Disney.”

The European Union will make their final decision on the Barkman’s proposal after the results of the UK vote are made public later this evening.