60% of Manitobans Claim to be Cousins of Jonathan Toews

WINNIPEG, MB

A new poll shows that just over 60% of the Manitoba population claims to be related to NHL star Jonathan Toews.

“When you’ve got someone as famous as Jonathan Toews, suddenly everyone and their dog is frintschoft,” said pollster Edna Rempel. “People used to say the same thing about Neil Young in the early 70s. There isn’t an elderly Winnipegger alive who didn’t claim to go to Kelvin High School with him.”

Rempel says the number of people claiming a connection to Toews went up after each of his three Stanley Cup victories.

“Well, sure, we’re all cousins if you go back far enough,” explains Rempel. “Some of these people have gone to great lengths to prove a connection.”

Rempel says that the number of people claiming relation to MP Vic Toews saw similar numbers, but dramatically declined after his sex scandal.

“I wish people would at least be consistent,” said Rempel. “You’re cousins or you aren’t. There’s no middle ground. You don’t suddenly cease to be cousins when it becomes inconvenient to your standing in the community.”

It it not known whether Manitobans will maintain this claim to Jonathan Toews if the Blackhawks lose again tonight.

(photo credit: by Anna Enriquez )